Push vs. Support
"Am I pushing too hard?" "Should I make her practice even when she doesn't want to?" "Other parents push harder. Should I?"
Here's the uncomfortable truth: It depends on the kid, the domain, and the moment.
But the research gives us a framework for telling the difference.
Support vs. Pressure: The Research
Self-Determination Theory (Ryan & Deci) distinguishes between:
Autonomy Support - Child feels choice within structure - "Would you like to practice before or after dinner?" - Goals are internalized: "I want to get better" - Preserves intrinsic motivation
Controlling Pressure - Child feels forced - "You WILL practice before you can play" - Goals are external: "Mom wants me to get better" - Undermines intrinsic motivation over time
The key finding: It's not WHAT you ask but HOW you ask it—and whether the child feels any autonomy within the structure.
Signs You're Supporting vs. Pressuring
Signs of healthy support: - They complain but engage - They sometimes initiate practice on their own - They talk about getting better, not just finishing - They can articulate why they're doing it - Bad days happen, but they bounce back
Signs of too much pressure: - They never initiate; it's always a battle - Physical symptoms before practice (stomach aches, headaches) - They've stopped caring about improvement - They're doing it for you, not themselves - They avoid talking about it entirely
Finding the Sweet Spot
Provide structure, offer choice within it. "Practice is happening today. Do you want to do it now or after snack?"
Connect to THEIR goals. "You said you wanted to play in the recital. What do we need to do to get there?"
Acknowledge the hard. "I know you don't feel like it. Some days are like that. Let's do just 10 minutes."
Differentiate resistance from burnout. Normal resistance: "I don't want to right now." Burnout: "I hate this. I don't care anymore."
Give escape hatches—occasionally. "We can skip today if you need to. But tomorrow we're back on."
When Pushing Is Actually Right
Research shows that sometimes pushing IS appropriate:
When they've committed. If they signed up for the season, finishing teaches commitment.
When the dip is temporary. Plateau frustration is different from genuine misery.
When you know your kid. Some kids need a nudge. Others need space. You know which one yours is.
When the stakes are low. Pushing through a hard week of piano is different from forcing them through years of misery.
The test: After the push, do they recover and engage? Or do they shut down further?
“The more autonomy-supportive the environment, the more intrinsic motivation, curiosity, and desire for challenge.”
“Support says: 'I believe in you.' Pressure says: 'I need you to prove something.' Kids feel the difference.”
The Gift
This week, add choice to one thing that's usually non-negotiable.
Not whether—but when, how, or where. 'Practice is happening. Do you want to do it before or after dinner?'
Sources
- Ryan, R.M. & Deci, E.L. (2000). Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation.
- Grolnick, W.S. (2003). The Psychology of Parental Control: How Well-Meant Parenting Backfires.